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Why don't guys ask girls out?

from the what's-wrong-with-me dept.
And when they do, they all want the same girl! I'm one of many smart, fun, cute, good girls that often find themselves on a Friday night without anything to do. It seems like there is some secret to getting asked out on dates--enlighten me boys--what is it???

If a guy's interested, he'll ask

Girls seem to think that guys are held back by some paralyzing fear or something. But the honest truth is that if he's interested, he'll do something about it. So it might be a good idea to spend your free time on Friday night making yourself more interesting.

Hey I am paralyzed by an overwhelming fear

Some guys, me included, are still shy about our feelings. It might take awhile to build the courage to do it. It helps if you flirt with the guy or guys that you want to ask you out.

The problem is not with the guys . . .

Let me illustrate: 2 friends and I had tickets to a show several months ago. We each had two tickets and thought we'd get some dates and have a great time. Between the 3 of us, over a week's time, we were turned down by 15 out of 16 different girls we contacted. That figure includes both rejections and messages that were never responded to. So in the end, it was me, my two friends, and one girl at this show.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Girls at BYU have no interest in getting to know you. If you try to introduce yourself, they get all stupid and awkward and you will likely be labeled a stalker. They don't want to be your friends or be anything else for that matter.

Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule. But where are they? I'm not finding them.

Oh, and one other thing - those so called 'signs' that are supposed to show your interest. We are stupid and can't understand them. To us there is no distinction between interest and uninterest in a woman's behavior, so try something else. Like let us get to know you.
Just because we ask you out doesn't mean you are committing to a relationship.

Why I don't ask girls out

One of the main reasons that I don't ask girls out is because there are always expectations. Before my mission I would date fairly regularly and have a great time. I never worried about the girl reading into the date too much. Now, almost without fail, when I go on a date with a girl she asks at the doorstep if we could do it again sometime. Of course I can't say no. At that point, you are either a jerk for lying to her about taking her out or you are a jerk for taking her out when you aren't that interested (i.e. leading her on). The result has been that I only go out with girls (blind dates not included) that I am interested enough in to have a relationship subsequenlty.

I'm not trying to shift the blame on the girls as much as I am trying to explain the reason that I don't ask girls out. I am definately not an example of how to date or how to deal with women.


If a guy likes a girl, he should have the guts to ask her out and more than likely he least over time. It is so annoying when girls always complain about NOT getting asked out. Instead of saying it's a guy's problem or what the secret is important to look to yourself. I think most people 9male/female)could use a tip or two on how to flirt. It seems that flirting is a lost important part of it is something that a lot of people don't know how to do. If you are a girl, then mabe you ought to be more open to the guy you are interested in. I am not saying to change yourself, but in one way you will have to do some altering if you intend to marry a guy. Take interest. Take note of what guys like to do. I know some guys appreciate when a girl takes interest in maybe something as little as watching a Simpson's episode...all guys do this at 6pm on a daily basis. If you aren't into that, then, take up some other hobby that guy you are dying to ask you out likes and learn about it...yes, impress the guy. Guys are pretty dang easy to figure out. They like to have fun, and they just want to be loved. Notice I am not suggesting you throw yourself at a guy but be flexible and available. If you have tried to hang out with a guy as your own suggestion and there isn't any reciporcation it is a good sign to move on. There is seriously someone out there for everyone.

To give guys some advice, just go up and talk to that cute girl you have noticed in the Wilk or the Bookstore. Let that girl get to know you. See if there are any connections you might have and build on them. Don't be overly aggressive. I have known guys that can't take a clue that I am not interested so be attentive and read body language. Don't feel bad if the girl turns you down, because I know there is another girl who would love to go out with you, so keep asking.

Both guys and girls, need to be attentive to how they are received. Be fun and be yourself. Of course a cute flirty smile, a touch on the elbow or arm and notice a guy has muscles, a funny joke, a little perfume, nicely groomed hair, and a FOLLOW UP will help you get a datea guy and a girl are repsonsible for the "follow Up" A follow up is stopping by that person's apt or giving them a call, or going out of your way to say hi when you are in a hurry and you see them or anything where you make the opportunity to see that person. The more contact, the better, of course, if there doesn't seem to be any reciporcated interest then move on. the most important thing is to always look your best and never give up. No one wants to be around someone who sulks in their lack of dates or someone who feels pity for themselves. Spring is in the air, and that means plenty of love is ready to be given...go get!

Who are you?

you sure don't sound like a guy. Every guy I know does get nervous, yeah and a lot of times even to the point of being "paralyzed with fear" when he tries to work up the guts to approach a girl and ask her out. Especially when she is a complete stranger. That takes serious guts. The only girls who it's not scary to ask out are the ones who you really don't have any interest in anyway who you ask out just so that you don't show up to wherever you're going without a date.

Honestly, to me it sounds like there's some sort of problem on

your end of things. I mean only 1 in 16 accepted? That's not normal. Who were these girls you were asking out? Were they way out of your league? Were you asking them out the day of or day before? (Day of is really tough and the day before is sorta tough, at least that's my experience.) What was this show? Was it something weird or something? Did you ask the out with confidence? Did you know the girls before hand?

I just don't get 1/16. There had to be something very wrong with the way you went about asking them out to get that low of results. I don't care who you are or how unattractive, that just doesn't make sense.

I am PARALYZED!!!!!!

I have to say that I somewhat disagree with your comment. There are LOTS of girls on campus that I would just love to get to know and ask out, but I am just too scared for that initial meeting! It is always so hard to tell what a girls reaction is going to be when you go up and talk to them. I have such a huge fear of rejection! I also worry that I wont be able to perform when put on the spot. But, there are those few times that I have asked out girls and then they go and ruin it for all the other girls by having other plans, or showing no interest. If I could give girls ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, it would be that when a girl who already has plans is asked out, but is interested in going out with the guy, to give an alternate availability date. It works so well! This past summer, I randomly started talking to this girl while walking from campus. When I asked her to join me for dinner that night, she already had plans but speedily said that she was free the next night. SEE, very simple!


That's a tough situation, and I admire your dependability in following up on the dreaded doorstep conversation. I'm wondering if it would be possible to give an open-ended answer that doesn't commit you to going out with her again? I don't know many girls that would directly ask, "Can we do this again sometime?" Most would just suggest it, just trying to let the guy know that they had a good time and that they'd be interested in going out again (because we hear that we need to let guys know that). You could say something like, "yeah, I had a good time. Maybe another time" or "yeah, we'll see" I don't think that commits you to asking her out again, but does leave the door open for a possibility. It seems pretty unfortunate to miss out on all the fun and learning that comes with dating just because of communication issues. Learning how to be honest and kind is one of the biggest things to learn is life and marriage, and now is a great time to practice that.

A female suggestion for men

Along these same lines, this female would just like to add that in most cases girls like it when a guy is interested and he's not afraid to show it. It seems that a lot of guys are very hesitant and need a lot of encouragement. Take a risk and be open about the fact that you're interested in her. I would say that usually, if the girl has any interest, she'll be impressed and more likely to reciprocate. Girls like confidence.

Ok, one last comment for me

I really need to get a login name or whatever. Ok, what retluav says is for real. GIRLS, if you can't go out but do have interest PLEASE (and I mean this...) suggest another time. And I don't just mean to say "maybe some other time", but instead say, "I'm sorry I can't. But how about next weekend?"

If you don't, i take it to mean that you have no interest whatsoever, because why on earth would you not offer to go out some other time if you actually are interested?

And while i'm writing ... girls are terrible about flat out saying that they're not interested. At least in my case, I am not offended when I find out that a girl isn't interested. I mean, after having doors slammed in their faces for two years most guys are pretty well equipped to handle a straight out rejection. All you do by beating around the bush about it is torture us poor guys. Seriously, i think that nearly all of guys "confusion" and inability to understand how girls think is because we're constantly being lied to by them. They say one thing and mean something completely different. What is that called? It's called lying. yeah, real simple ladies.

It takes character and integrity to tell a guy straight up that you don't have interest, but it's well worth it, so do us both a favor, alright?

No answer to the confusion!

Okay I didn't write the comment about 1/16 but I was one of the key participants in this. First of all no they were not out of our league and towards the end were people that were friends. I was the person who actually got someone to say yes and it was 2 days before the date that I asked her. The previous people were anywhere from 2-8 days before the event. The only people that were asked on the day of or day before were 2 people because one girl cancelled the day before and then another the day of when calling to tell her what time we were picking her up. I guess girls have a problem here WITH STICKING TO COMMITMENTS THEY AGREED UPON! This is one of the biggest problems in getting asked out again. If you cancel on a date you are less likely to be asked out again by the person. If you would just be honest the first time there wouldn't be a problem.

Oh and one other of the original girls that agreed and was excited about going to the show ended up cancelling 3 days after saying yes. The reason...SHE GOT A BOYFRIEND OVER THE WEEKEND!!!! Come on girls what is that all about?

Now the next question...the show was Divine Comedy, a very fun and relaxing entertainment here at BYU. Most people wait in line for a couple of hours just to get good tickets. I have heard of worse dates.

Finally, yes the girls were known by us, and yes they were asked with confidence. Thank you to the ONE girl who said yes and went, you are an example to women everywhere (or at least in Happy Valley)! So you tell me what is wrong with these girls? I know there are many out there that would have probably gone but when 15 girls say no, cancel, or make excuses then it really discourages guys from asking girls out!

i second that motion

I am with you all the way on that last part. Girls just need to be honest, especially around here at BYU. I think it is because a lot of girls have the idea that they have to be nice and can't hurt someones feelings. Now I usually go out with girls in my classes, and i usually get to know them before asking them out. The thing is sometimes we will go on a date and have lots of fun but then they don't sit next to me the next time in class or something. Granted this is the exception to the norm, but I mean come on. She could have just said hey, I had fun but i just want to stay friends. A prime example of a girl not being straight with someone is this experience that I had. I met this girl in a big ward group bowling thing (you know the event). Well,I saw this girl that I was interested in, so i went over and started talking with her. We had fun bowling and so a small group of us went to the dollar theater that night. Well, this girl and me sat next to eachother, again laughing and talking during the movie. So the next week, i call her to see if she wants to do something friday (she is not sitting next to any guys in the ward, just roommates, so everything looks fine). She says, she can't because she is going to a concert (it was not a lie, she went to a concert). I later find out from her roommate, that she has been dating this guy from the ward for a week and that they were making out on his couch. Man, if she could have just said, hey i got a boyfriend, this could have saved me a few bucks and a few hours. The flirting was another thing that threw me off after hearing that she had a boyfriend. Girls don't flirt with other guys if you have a boyfriend!! I know I wouldn't like it if my girl was doing that with every guy she meets.

Good to Know

As a girl, it's good to know that you'd like to get flat out rejection over a kind turn down. Honestly, it's just in the female nature to not want to hurt people's feelings, no matter who it is. I recognize that the reality is that a lot of the time when we try not to hurt their feelings, we end up hurting them worse. I completely agree that it takes guts to ask out a girl, but it also takes a whole lot of guts to say, "No thanks, I'm really not interested in you." That is super hard, and girls often don't even have the chance to practice or prepare themselves for the moment. They can be caught off guard, and in the heat of the moment often the best response they can come up with is that they already have plans. So I for one will try to be more understanding of the guys' plight, but try to be understanding of ours as well. I've had my share of agonizing moments when I had figure out the best way to let a guy know that I'm not interested.


No one wants to waste time and moeny dating if one or the other is not interested. I think that is what flirting is for, if you are interested and AVAILABLE then flirt and work it if you are unintererested-I KNOW you can talk to the guy without being flirty and give them sign that you are not interested. This is a nice way to reject someone rather than a slap in the face, I am not interested. Of course, if the guy do happens to ask you out, then say something mentioned before "like lets be friends" and that line alone should eb a huge clue to the guy...which translates into "I am NOT interested"

I've asked out 5 different

I've asked out 5 different girls over the past few weeks and been turned down every time. Which is weird, because I'm honestly not an undesirable guy.

woah! 5 girls in the past

woah! 5 girls in the past weeks? Is it just me or did you really have real interest in them? Cause it just seems like you wanted a girl friend!

BYU girls... suck!

I just moved here. Never in my life have I been rejected from a date. Dates are so casual.
"Hey, do you want to go play some tennis?" "Sure thing."
Here it is a different story...
She says yes then never returns your texts or looks you back in the eye.
I am stunned. I can't figure it out.
I was so perplexed I went to google and searched "Provo girls suck" and found this...
So girls at BYU...
Learn social skills. Flirt. Have fun. That isn't against the law of chastity.
Thank you.

Female Advice

Everyone is afraid of rejection, sometimes in life, though, you have to take a risk. Life is too short to be afraid of everything and eespecially afraid of asking someone out. Why are guys the designated person to ask someone out? Why don't girls ask guys out? What is so wrong with that? Is it because we are afraid that society will look down upon us. The double standard makes it hard for girls to ask out a guy, even though apparently most guys would prefer it.

its because..

I think to some guys, of a girl asks a guy out, they seem desperate. Its true. So to seem not desperate and take initiate, we let the guys do the work ha :D