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Eric Snider's take on Titanic

from the snide-remarks dept.

For those who don't know, Eric Snider started the now-defunct Garrens comedy troupe here on campus and, in his day, was pretty prolific here on campus. The following comes for a column of his which ran in the Daily Universe during February of '98:

Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.

I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.

As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is ...

Read the rest ...

ok, i have to ask ...

1. Did any of you guys read this thing?

2. Did you think it was funny?

3. Am I the only one who thought it was?

4. Am I pretty much just talking to myself here?

5. Don't you think five questions seems about like the right number?

6. Or would six be more appropriate?

7. Seven?

To answer your questions

1. Yes

2. Very

3. No

4. Probably

5. Nah

6. Definitely

7. Not