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The pros and cons of dating Provo girls

(attn: Bootersrule – if you don’t have the energy to read/understand this post, I can email you the cliff notes…just a thought.)

I began dating Emily 7 months ago. No, we're not engaged. But everything else about our relationship is typical of BYU (i.e.-for awhile, our only exchange was a monthly visit along with the First Presidency message). Though, I do believe there is an element of our relationship that many singles may find either damaging or destructive. Yes, I just used alliteration and synonyms to describe a part of our relationship that has rocketed me into the world of the future in-laws. (It is in my best interest at this point in the post, to write my disclaimer: attn Emily/Emily's family: I hope Jan 1st isn't too soon.)

Those of you sympathizing with me on the below experiences are probably glad you're not empathizing.

-Sunday Dinner-

If you're from Provo, or Utah, there is a Sunday curfew. This curfew states that all children from Utah, who still reside in Utah, must return to their Parents' homes for dinner every Sunday. Every Google attempt to find this law failed...

So, Emily invites me over for a Sunday meal and Sunday afternoon General Conference session at her parents'. They are practically vegan. I should be investing stock in Tucano's at this point in my life. I psych myself up: "I've done the gallon challenge. Could the tofu challenge be that hard?"

It was a veggie stew with about every vegetable you could ever imagine. It was 2 o'clock and I somehow didn't get up in time for the 10 am conference session to eat. So I didn't hesitate to overwhelm an oversize bowl with this stew. Her mom's eyes widened as she watched me stroll over to the couch where they were eating and watching conference. She must be impressed, "I'm watching conference with them and mowing down their food; how can I not be winning them over now?" Quiz time: 1. How many grams of fiber in 10 cups of vegetable stew? 2. What effect does excess fiber have on bowel movements? Google race!!! (note: the stew was very delicious!)

I have never prayed so hard in all my life as I did in their bathroom, that day:"please, let it not stink." This progressed to, "please, let there be ample T.P." Eventually, I found myself suplicating, "all I want in this life is a single light-anywhere match and I promise I will never cut across BYU campus lawn again." Wish one and three, not granted.

It did not take a forensics expert to deduce my post meal condition. Lesson learned: limit veggie consumption to 1 cup/hour and have an escape plan.

-Alone with her dad-

The first time I talked to her dad, we almost immediately found a common interest: mountain biking. We agreed to go out together sometime and hit the hills. I was surprised at how comfortable I felt with the one on one situation.

Just before I actually met up with her dad by the mouth of Rock Canyon, I recalled my girlfriend mentioning that her dad is big on being addressed properly. So, our relationship rides on whether I address him as Bishop ****, Brother ****, Howie or Howard….dad.

I finally get to the mouth of the canyon, where he await me with the slightest grin, that says, “so, what AM I to you? Bishop, brother…” I took it like a man and started, “heeeeyyy, hooooow’s it going?” I think we can all agree that the extra ‘e’s and ‘o’s make up for lack of title. (I couldn’t help but think of the thousands of times I had stretched out vowels crossing campus when running into one of my mission “buddies” on campus.)

To this day, I have successfully avoided addressing him by any title other “hey.” It makes me smile.

-Veggie tales-

I remember I ate vegetables one time. I think it was before my mission. The only time I see vegetables now is when I eat out. My girlfriend tries to convince me that the broccoli garnishing my 12 oz. top sirloin is a good anti-oxidant. Don’t get me wrong, I buy vegetables all the time…and in bulk! I currently own about five restaurant size bags of mixed vegetables, and I am confident each one is still accumulating frost in the back of the mini-freezer at each of my previous Provo residences.

The beauty of having her folks so close is that they have an incredible garden. I mean, figs people!!! They have figs! I thought that was an extinct fruit only talked about in the Book of Mormon. Every time Emily and I stop by, they load us up with pounds of green goodies. It is the freshest and cheapest market around. I am actually not ashamed to admit that I love veggies, but it is so hard to buy them…and how do you cook them???

I was over for dinner last weekend, and Emily’s mom got a paper bag of mushrooms and showed us how to choose the freshest mushrooms at the market. So good to know, seriously. Because as good as they taste, they all look old at the market and I love mushrooms.

I am proud to say that I have learned culinary competence and expanded my veggie vocabulary.

-Babysitting cutest kids ever-

If you are a manly man, this part may have an epicactic effect on you.

Emily’s married brother often blesses her and I with the opportunity of babysitting their kids. Last time I went over to babysit, the 4 year old (not sure on age) came running across the coldesac and jumped into my arms. Cute, eh?

I would not have that opportunity if my GF was from Alaska.

-Wrapping it up-

Through all the interaction I have had with her family, I must say that despite being under close supervision by her family. As long as I am not a goober to her, it can only help, right?

Provo girls rock.

absolutely hilarious

keep it coming bleach


Thanks Mason. Absolutely love the site, thought the least I could do was post.

So the whole joke reference to January 1st illicited a barrage of questions from my girlfriend's family directed towards her. oooo, oooo, just got another idea for another post....

This was great! Kinda makes

This was great! Kinda makes me glad I'm married though :-) After a couple of months, you don't really care about bathroom smells. It's even funny sometimes.

High Maintenance...?

Bleach, She sounds like a nice girl... and I can deffinantly see some of the Pro's about dating in Provo. I'm just wondering if she carried with her any of the warning signs for being high maintenance, you know pink backpack, roxy sticker in her car? Anything like that?

There are some great girls out there but you do have to be warry. Like i said she sounds really nice but the Vegan thing makes me wonder. Some girls in Provo won't eat food unless they can claim it is Organic.

Probably just me being paranoid for you though. Good luck with it.

awesome post

I love it. I felt this way a lot of the time I was hanging out with my wife's brothers, trying to show them I was cool enough to marry their sister...yeah....IF only I were cool.

Oh, and I found the provo curfew ordinance for you (what a loser):

Although the Sunday dinner thing has not been codified, I'm pretty sure it's on the ballot for the next term.

small update

In case anyone I know comes back to view this article...I'm single now.

bleach- What happened?


What happened? Sorry man... breakups suck.